| Wednesday, October 01, 2008 |
| I understand. |
It's my security. The only thing keeping me from diving into that ocean head first is my lack of security. It's so clear to me now. I've spent at least the last 6 weeks if not more trying to figure out whats kept me inside myself so long, pondering why there's such a storm in my heart over the way I perceive life. I guess it was only a matter of time. If you're truly committed to Christ, if you're truly driven to experience His love, you'll throw everything out of the way and change everything you can to make sure you experience it.
I've never been secure. All my life I've wondered who's going to take care of me. Whether or not I'll be seen or needed or cherished. To the point where my self worth was completely upside down. Such a mess. "How could I ever be worth something to anyone? If I don't make sure I'm taken care of, if I'm not capable of at least that, then I must be worthless." You can imagine what happened next, when I realized I actually couldn't. My world started falling apart and I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because there would be no one to give me an answer. No one to care enough to give me a way out. Who wants to listen to a failure? I knew at some level God would listen but I also put him on the same level as everyone else: to important to care or notice someone who was broken. He would leave me when it got to hard or when something better came along just like everyone else did. It was like I was under some kind of spell.
So I fought with God. There was a time I never thought it to be possible. His perfection kind of trumps His ability to be wrong or take blame. I always avoided allowing God to have my feelings of insecurity and frustration over our relationship because just like every other relationship I have been involved in I was afraid of rejection. It bottled up for years until finally after an overwhelmingly frustrating series of events I found myself asking God the unthinkable: Do you really love me? Or am I the only one in this relationship who actually cares?
Am I in love with someone who could never be or never was in love with me?
It honestly broke my heart into pieces. I realized at that moment how totally and completely in love with God I am, and how empty and pointless my entire life was without that love returned. If he didn't love me there wasn't any other reason to live. I know it sounds drastic, but earnestly I believe it's true. The love of God is so complete, so incredibly abundant and fulfilling that anything lacking the ability to bear the weight of it becomes completely useless to the eyes of eternity. Magnifying completely the scope of that great love.
Then I realized I fell under that weight. I was wanted. Complete and holy. Six years ago on a tiny basketball court down the street from my house I decided to embark on what I thought was the relentless pursuit of Christ. Turns out the entire time He was the one pursuing
me. Through the pain and the masking, through my pathetic attempts to be adequate, to find worth on my own and be self sufficient, God brought me to the lowest place possible. It was then I knew of the great depths to which He went in order to redeem my heart. The cycle of insecurity was broken. I found myself finally whole and completely assured of Christ's love.
So began the deep six week long storm of pondering in my heart. Without anything holding me back, what am I really created to do? Now that I'm assured of the love I always questioned where do I fit into His will? The girl with quick jokes and false confidence could have never even dreamed of asking these questions in full faith of a great answer. However the girl with a renewed heart, a sound mind and a bold assurance knows there is no other way.
I dove into the ocean. I know how to swim and I don't think I'll ever have need for a shore.
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have
loved you with an
everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
Jeremiah 31:3
Missy. last remembered on 10/01/2008 03:58:00 PM
