Thursday, February 15, 2007

Question of the week: How are you doing?

Have you ever known a sadness so real to you it was almost like you could reach out and touch it? Yet when you reach out there's nothing. Where you thought all your emotion could be placed, where you could lay it out in all its misery you find nothing but a vacant space full of unanswered questions and confusion? There's no rest here. Theres no peace. I keep telling myself to calm down, that what i'm going through will pass and that i'll get better. Problem is that the part of me that promises wellness hasn't communicated with the future that holds an answer as to when that will be. And how could they communicate? The Lord's fututre and my grievous pain speak an entirely different language. Or at least that's how it feels. I want to stand aside my body and remove all of this rediculous anguish. It haunts me like a storm growing in the distance. Looking in the other direction the skies are clear, and not only are they clear but they remind me of where I want to be and how I want things to remain. But, when I turn around I'm reminded that not only is that rain and wind building up strength, it's coming for me.

For those of you who have been wondering, this is how I feel. I lost my Grandpa last Tuesday. I don't feel like having fun, but I laugh so i'll forget how much it hurts. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, but I don't want to remember how my dad and I would laugh at the same things he did or look at life in the same way. The way he would come and listen to his favorite music with us or take us out for pie and coffee. The way different little quirks he had that would make me smile just because of the person he was. Because when I remember those things I remember that I have no idea where he went to rest. I have no answers as to what his eternity will look like.

I'm sorry if this seems strange to you. If it seems like it doesn't make sense. But if I have one more person ask how i'm doing because of this I think I might explode. I know it's because people care and because they want to know, but how do you convey so much pain in passing?
Grief and loss of this kind are something i'm not familiar with. I had no idea that unanswered pain was my greatest weekness until all of the pain became unanswered. I've never experienced something like this. And just between you and me, I hope I never have to again.

Missy.
O LORD, you have searched her and you know her. You know when she sits and when she rises; you perceive her thoughts from afar. You discern her going out and her lying down; you are familiar with all her ways. Before a word is on her tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem her in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon her. Psalm 139:1-5

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