| Sunday, October 15, 2006 |
| Honestly, won't someone stop this train. |
I don't ever remember anyone saying growing up and making your way through life's changes would be easy. In fact all my life I've heard that it's hard, something that will really test you and challenge you. In most cases however, these warnings are followed by the understanding that the pain, sweat, and tears were worth it. I'm only 21 years old and though I have maybe some experience on how to deal with the issues that have arisen in life I'm no where near a retrospective attitude that assures me it's all going to be ok. I'm hurting right now. I'm not afraid to say it either. The past month has been one of the most painful I can remember.
Last week I found out my Grandpa was dying of cancer. He's not a believer in Christ either. This fact makes my head spin, and hurt build, and confusion starts to work on my thoughts pulling my brain apart to find an answer, or an easy way of dealing with a fact that not only will my granpa die physically but there's a good chance that the death he experiences might be eternal as well. I know Christ. I know the Joy and the Light and the Comfort he brings. I know he loves me and cares for me, and that because of my faith I will eternally be with him in that love. I'm also aware that i'm full of sin on a constant basis and quite unhappy with the decisions I make or the things my mind chooses to dwell upon apart from that love. But he loves me still and i'm confident that even in my imperfection he chose to be my savior, to cover and make up for all that I cannot.
My Grandpa is dying of cancer. He must feel so hopeless. He must be in so much pain. He's suffering, and no treatment on this planet can cure him of the mutation thats numbering his days. I hate it. I wish I could just do something to help him. Anything. I hate it. Cancer makes me so angry.
Everyone just keeps telling me that this is a part of life. That sooner or later everyone dies. But not everyone dies eternally, i know that for sure. I feel so helpless and so broken. I just want to ask God for some miracle that will allow my Grandpa to be with Him so he doesn't have to hurt and wonder and feel alone. I feel like in every painful situation I've seen in the past there was some kind of beauty or hint of hope I could see even through the suffering. A small light even when the dark was overwhelming. I feel like this time I don't even know where to begin looking for those things. I'm lost in the dark. I'm lost in the dark and hopeless about it just like hi
Missy. last remembered on 10/15/2006 06:47:00 PM
